Thursday, April 23, 2009
{ 8:45 AM }
it's so hard to find someone you can trust now because you don't know who is real and who is not. and now, i'm so confused.
suddenly i felt so guilty for being such a friend. i felt so grateful you were there for me when i needed someone. at least there was you to turn to when the people out there were so merry and all i can do is hide in a corner and cry. i've always said i felt lonely but i never thought of you. maybe i'm wrong. i'm so sorry. i see myself in you. but you were there to comfort me and what i can do now is to aggravate your pain. maybe i havent thought of the what if you are not there scenario. if you weren't there, maybe i would have cried till i die. no matter what, thank you for being there. and we're still friends.
today brought my past up. it's like the past is haunting me again. i feel frustrated for being part of it. why must i be the one? why is it always me? must i always be the weakest one? 我不服. i cannot stay like this and settle for it.
i question my presence. why am i here? what am i doing? why am i doing this? did i come here by choice, or am i made to come here? am i still happy? are these people my friends? do they mean what they say? are they who they are? why am i so stupid? why cant i fend for myself? why do i willow in self pity hoping for someone to pity me? WHY AM I IN THE FREAKING MESSED UP LIFE??????
dear angel,
i should've known that i am left with no one ever since the day you left. if i say i miss you, will you come back to life? and live life with me like we have been living since i came into the world (till the day you decided to leave me). and now i am left confused. will you come and save me? but i guess you won't be here anymore. you left to give me a chance to learn, to grow up. but if growing up is killing me slowly and softly, will you still come? or will you still stick to what you intended for me. Please angel, tell me what to do now.
pain is good, because it's the only thing that make you feel human again.